Ups and Downs

i have been in love with this Kendall Payne song "Ups and Downs" for ages now! how can i even explain it? if i've had a rough day, i will blast this on my way home from work and it just soothes me. 

you know, i had a friend once who would always put a song on after a hard day--and it went, "every little thing's gonna be alright, every little thing is gonna be alright.." this is the same idea for me! now, granted, i have many favorite songs but this one is close to the top for many reasons! i encourage you to read the lyrics and listen! 



All that I've found through the ups and downs
Is that I'd have it no other way
Life in the raw is both fragile and strong
It's both lovely and ugly the same


Who can attest that when they're at their best
Oh their worst is still crouching close behind
It's coming to peace with the darkness in me
That allows the true light to shine inside


So let it go, for we are still far from home
Though you try and try to escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe


We are composed of a symphony of notes
Every life is as music to His ears
I'll play my melody be it haunting be it sweet
Unashamed of what anyone might hear


So when the load breaks your back and your will
You must still keep your heart in the game
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But it's better than playing it safe


So let it go, when it don't feel like home
When inside is your only escape
To live and to love will always be dangerous
But would you want it any other way?

Diving in

the past three months, i can't seem to get away from this theme of diving in. i believe God speaks to me in themes like this. it comes in all sorts of ways (dreams, movies, people)which makes this adventure so much fun! He always keeps me on my toes. 

it began with this fabulous quote from a movie called shadowlands about c.s.lewis. 

"I learned how to dive the same summer I learned I was a Christian. It's the easiest thing in the world. You don't have to do anything. All you have to do is stop doing something. You have to learn to stop trying to preserve yourself. Once you let yourself go head first, without worrying about where you are going to land, it works..." 

Chatting at the Sky

perfectionist. striving. no rest. type-A. need to be in control. i have it all put together. okay, well i don't but i have to at least look like i have it all put together because people are watching me. i can never appear weak because that would mean i need their help which i very clearly don't because i'm so put together. sad. 

i have come to know myself quite well over these past 5 years. through much introspection, self-study and through relationships with others, i have noticed something. i like to be and look perfect. if i can cause as few ripples as possible in the pool of life( yes...cheesy I know), then all will be well because then I can go on living and no one will think less of me. you see, i care so incredibly much what others think. and this comes from a variety of reasons that i shan't go into right now because that could be an hour long rant and dissection of past experiences and frankly, it doesn't matter. what matters is that i have discovered the issue at hand which is the drive to be perfect. to make no mistakes. wow, really? what am i--a robot? a stepford wife? a 1950s perfect little housewife? no one is like this. and frankly, it's exhausting to try. i would know--i've played this familiar game since I suspect infancy. 

now, looking back on experiences in childhood, i have changed so much. for instance, when i was 9, i was on a go-kart track. next to me was a father taking his son out on the track for perhaps the first time. i knew i had to perform well and win this race. so i floored that gas pedal and ran up on the father/son duo who were obviously out for a nice sunday joy ride at the track. well, that was shot to hell because look out--the renegade blonde girl who was out for blood was going to pass them up. i will never forget the bewildered look on that dad's face as i cut him off and won first place in a race i had completely imagined in my mind. i had to win. i had to beat them because they couldn't be better than me, not even at go-kart. 

well, i have calmed down a lot since those days. now it's more of an internal battle really (thank the lord). but i wanted to share something with you that has helped a lot. it's a blog by Emily called chattingatthesky(a place for your soul to breathe). doesn't it already make you feel more relaxed?  for the first time, i found someone talking in such real terms. she talks bravely about her mistakes and her shortcomings but speaks of Grace and how we are accepted and loved and beautiful. that it's okay to be real-not fake and "plasticky." Emily wrote this brilliant book called Grace for the Good Girl: Letting go of the Try-Hard Life. 

she has helped me greatly move through fears of failing and falling short of other's(and my own) expectations. i have had so much freedom. i highly recommend checking out her blog and books. 

There is Light at the end of it

for some time now, i've been diving head first into what relationships are all about. mind you (dear reader), i am far from being in a relationship, which is kind of what this post is all about. for the past few years, i've been dissecting my own past and the wounds and scars which come about long after the thrill is gone. relationships are a beautiful thing and i was the first in line to fall fast and hard! but then my heart was left shattered in pieces, seemingly never to recover. sound familiar? i'm sure i'm not the only one.

i've been on a journey of finding respite in being alone. i've been in discovery of who i am and what i want. i want to make sure that next time, the relationship will be for the right reasons. now has this been easy? far from it. it's been lonely, dry, even hopeless at times but all is not lost. i've needed so desperately to be in this place. to love things and discover who i am, to make decisions for me and not for him. peace.

something that has helped so much is to read about others who have gone before me. women who have been there, done that and are able to come out the other side not entirely unscathed but living again! it's been amazing to see that there is light at the end of the long all too familiar tunnel of pain. sometimes, this pain has been inflicted on you without your consent. sometimes, this pain is something you have brought on yourself. but no matter the source, i have found that on the subject of relationships, no man or woman is immune to hurt at some point in their lives.

i am presenting a series here on love. as i mentioned, i've been on a very long and arduous journey of healing my wounded, aching heart. there have been people, books, teachings and movies along the way who have helped me greatly in my search for life again. i would like to give honor where honor is due, even if some of these authors have been dead for hundreds of years. but if i have found a certain amount of peace then perhaps you can too. and we must first admit to ourselves, there's not one in the whole lot of us who can escape being hurt in relationships. let's dive in, head first, shall we? no fear.

Life Story

i love to write poetry in my free time. it relaxes my otherwise type-a, on-the-go, need to be in control personality. the world slows and stills for a moment and i can write down all the things i'm feeling and hearing. when i go slow enough, i can hear things i wouldn't necessarily hear. i typically have many emotions and feelings going through me all at once and in a day, those can change very rapidly! Haha! i know myself pretty well. so it's good to have this outlet.

anyway, this poem i'm going to share is called Life Story. it's about a fond memory from my childhood in texas--the moment i sang in front of an audience for the first time on my grandmother wolfe's land! enjoy!

It was twilight on that land
where the sun had lain to rest.
The luminous stars led us onward
to that creaky porch I knew so well.

Between cigarette puffs and drunken beer laughs
I was called and met with a moment.
The man held a microphone to my lips
and I stood my ground on that porch.

On that night, that muggy Texas night
I found my life’s story in a song.
I chose Patsy for who doesn’t find herself
‘cept when she’s ‘Walkin’ After Midnight.’

So my life is epitomized in that twilight haze
on a creaky porch next to a fat, old fiddler
singing my life out for others to hear.

french romance

i think my life has always had a bit of Parisian flair to it.there's nothing better than cafes, old brick buildings, french bread, cheese and a nice glass of wine. oh, and how could i forget the famous moulin rouge. the music, the sights and sounds of old Paris and maybe Ewan McGregor had something to do with my obsession. more recently, i fell in love with a little movie called midnight in paris and it further confirmed why i am so drawn to old Paris.

have you ever thought about how everything sounds more beautiful in french? mon petit chou translates to my little cabbage. the french version sounds positively gorgeous, even if someone is talking about a common vegetable.

pictured above is my bed adorned with these very french looking portraits. these are old prints i put together nearly ten years ago when i lived in the south and still they live on. one is of a beautiful woman hanging so carefree off the eiffel tower. oh no big deal. at any moment, her foot could slip and she plummets to her untimely death-all for the sake of a photo. another is of a couple looking at each other, madly in love. she with a cigarette and he with his cafe au lait. mirrors show how he is looking at her with such an intense love and holding her. (sigh)

i sometimes look at that photo of the couple in the booth and wonder, does my future hold intense, french love moments? Someone who could share a booth with me on (gasp) the same side and not care what one person thought? The world stops and all that matters is in his eyes. Now that's amore! oh, someday...

well, i bid you adieu with none other than La Vie En Rose...


Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose.


When you kiss me heaven sighs
And though I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose.


When you press me to your heart
I'm in a world apart
A world where roses bloom.

Beginning to live again...

i'm infatuated with this idea of winter and what it brings. i think winter is one of the most beautiful times of the year. with it's ice and snow. everything so pure. i adore the look of blindingly white slopes and the way the sun reflects on it. it gives you a whole new perspective. i love winter because it builds this anticipation of what's to come: Springtime. blooms, honey bees, butterflies, wildflowers and sunshine. everything grows with such intensity and beauty and it was specifically designed that way.

there is definitely a spiritual dynamic to this that i can relate to during my five year walk with God. there's also much that i can't even remotely begin to fathom. however, what i do know is that in the frozen things, in the waiting, & in the winter seasons of life, beauty emerges. life begins again after what seemed an endless amount of snow, frozen, cold and bitter. you find yourself beginning to live at the sound of rushing water. you see, all that snow is melting now and it's time to breathe in the spring.

perhaps one of the most gorgeous verses ever is, "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the sun." trust in His seasons. Trust and Hope in His timing. hold on to Truth. and enjoy this beautiful season of Springtime.