Chatting at the Sky

perfectionist. striving. no rest. type-A. need to be in control. i have it all put together. okay, well i don't but i have to at least look like i have it all put together because people are watching me. i can never appear weak because that would mean i need their help which i very clearly don't because i'm so put together. sad. 

i have come to know myself quite well over these past 5 years. through much introspection, self-study and through relationships with others, i have noticed something. i like to be and look perfect. if i can cause as few ripples as possible in the pool of life( yes...cheesy I know), then all will be well because then I can go on living and no one will think less of me. you see, i care so incredibly much what others think. and this comes from a variety of reasons that i shan't go into right now because that could be an hour long rant and dissection of past experiences and frankly, it doesn't matter. what matters is that i have discovered the issue at hand which is the drive to be perfect. to make no mistakes. wow, really? what am i--a robot? a stepford wife? a 1950s perfect little housewife? no one is like this. and frankly, it's exhausting to try. i would know--i've played this familiar game since I suspect infancy. 

now, looking back on experiences in childhood, i have changed so much. for instance, when i was 9, i was on a go-kart track. next to me was a father taking his son out on the track for perhaps the first time. i knew i had to perform well and win this race. so i floored that gas pedal and ran up on the father/son duo who were obviously out for a nice sunday joy ride at the track. well, that was shot to hell because look out--the renegade blonde girl who was out for blood was going to pass them up. i will never forget the bewildered look on that dad's face as i cut him off and won first place in a race i had completely imagined in my mind. i had to win. i had to beat them because they couldn't be better than me, not even at go-kart. 

well, i have calmed down a lot since those days. now it's more of an internal battle really (thank the lord). but i wanted to share something with you that has helped a lot. it's a blog by Emily called chattingatthesky(a place for your soul to breathe). doesn't it already make you feel more relaxed?  for the first time, i found someone talking in such real terms. she talks bravely about her mistakes and her shortcomings but speaks of Grace and how we are accepted and loved and beautiful. that it's okay to be real-not fake and "plasticky." Emily wrote this brilliant book called Grace for the Good Girl: Letting go of the Try-Hard Life. 

she has helped me greatly move through fears of failing and falling short of other's(and my own) expectations. i have had so much freedom. i highly recommend checking out her blog and books. 

There is Light at the end of it

for some time now, i've been diving head first into what relationships are all about. mind you (dear reader), i am far from being in a relationship, which is kind of what this post is all about. for the past few years, i've been dissecting my own past and the wounds and scars which come about long after the thrill is gone. relationships are a beautiful thing and i was the first in line to fall fast and hard! but then my heart was left shattered in pieces, seemingly never to recover. sound familiar? i'm sure i'm not the only one.

i've been on a journey of finding respite in being alone. i've been in discovery of who i am and what i want. i want to make sure that next time, the relationship will be for the right reasons. now has this been easy? far from it. it's been lonely, dry, even hopeless at times but all is not lost. i've needed so desperately to be in this place. to love things and discover who i am, to make decisions for me and not for him. peace.

something that has helped so much is to read about others who have gone before me. women who have been there, done that and are able to come out the other side not entirely unscathed but living again! it's been amazing to see that there is light at the end of the long all too familiar tunnel of pain. sometimes, this pain has been inflicted on you without your consent. sometimes, this pain is something you have brought on yourself. but no matter the source, i have found that on the subject of relationships, no man or woman is immune to hurt at some point in their lives.

i am presenting a series here on love. as i mentioned, i've been on a very long and arduous journey of healing my wounded, aching heart. there have been people, books, teachings and movies along the way who have helped me greatly in my search for life again. i would like to give honor where honor is due, even if some of these authors have been dead for hundreds of years. but if i have found a certain amount of peace then perhaps you can too. and we must first admit to ourselves, there's not one in the whole lot of us who can escape being hurt in relationships. let's dive in, head first, shall we? no fear.

Life Story

i love to write poetry in my free time. it relaxes my otherwise type-a, on-the-go, need to be in control personality. the world slows and stills for a moment and i can write down all the things i'm feeling and hearing. when i go slow enough, i can hear things i wouldn't necessarily hear. i typically have many emotions and feelings going through me all at once and in a day, those can change very rapidly! Haha! i know myself pretty well. so it's good to have this outlet.

anyway, this poem i'm going to share is called Life Story. it's about a fond memory from my childhood in texas--the moment i sang in front of an audience for the first time on my grandmother wolfe's land! enjoy!

It was twilight on that land
where the sun had lain to rest.
The luminous stars led us onward
to that creaky porch I knew so well.

Between cigarette puffs and drunken beer laughs
I was called and met with a moment.
The man held a microphone to my lips
and I stood my ground on that porch.

On that night, that muggy Texas night
I found my life’s story in a song.
I chose Patsy for who doesn’t find herself
‘cept when she’s ‘Walkin’ After Midnight.’

So my life is epitomized in that twilight haze
on a creaky porch next to a fat, old fiddler
singing my life out for others to hear.

french romance

i think my life has always had a bit of Parisian flair to it.there's nothing better than cafes, old brick buildings, french bread, cheese and a nice glass of wine. oh, and how could i forget the famous moulin rouge. the music, the sights and sounds of old Paris and maybe Ewan McGregor had something to do with my obsession. more recently, i fell in love with a little movie called midnight in paris and it further confirmed why i am so drawn to old Paris.

have you ever thought about how everything sounds more beautiful in french? mon petit chou translates to my little cabbage. the french version sounds positively gorgeous, even if someone is talking about a common vegetable.

pictured above is my bed adorned with these very french looking portraits. these are old prints i put together nearly ten years ago when i lived in the south and still they live on. one is of a beautiful woman hanging so carefree off the eiffel tower. oh no big deal. at any moment, her foot could slip and she plummets to her untimely death-all for the sake of a photo. another is of a couple looking at each other, madly in love. she with a cigarette and he with his cafe au lait. mirrors show how he is looking at her with such an intense love and holding her. (sigh)

i sometimes look at that photo of the couple in the booth and wonder, does my future hold intense, french love moments? Someone who could share a booth with me on (gasp) the same side and not care what one person thought? The world stops and all that matters is in his eyes. Now that's amore! oh, someday...

well, i bid you adieu with none other than La Vie En Rose...


Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose.


When you kiss me heaven sighs
And though I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose.


When you press me to your heart
I'm in a world apart
A world where roses bloom.

Beginning to live again...

i'm infatuated with this idea of winter and what it brings. i think winter is one of the most beautiful times of the year. with it's ice and snow. everything so pure. i adore the look of blindingly white slopes and the way the sun reflects on it. it gives you a whole new perspective. i love winter because it builds this anticipation of what's to come: Springtime. blooms, honey bees, butterflies, wildflowers and sunshine. everything grows with such intensity and beauty and it was specifically designed that way.

there is definitely a spiritual dynamic to this that i can relate to during my five year walk with God. there's also much that i can't even remotely begin to fathom. however, what i do know is that in the frozen things, in the waiting, & in the winter seasons of life, beauty emerges. life begins again after what seemed an endless amount of snow, frozen, cold and bitter. you find yourself beginning to live at the sound of rushing water. you see, all that snow is melting now and it's time to breathe in the spring.

perhaps one of the most gorgeous verses ever is, "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the sun." trust in His seasons. Trust and Hope in His timing. hold on to Truth. and enjoy this beautiful season of Springtime.

The Lord is my Shepherd

hello blog! thoughts for the day. my brain is going a billion miles per hour and i realize i almost never rest. but then i've been realizing that to try and rest is exhausting in and of itself.  and furthermore, i realize it's a contradiction to exert energy to have to try and 'rest'. confused yet? well, frankly, so am i!! but it's a discovery process. the only answer that has come with my never-ending search for rest has been in scripture. the psalms have been the most comforting to me in fast-paced, crazy times, especially psalm 23. the song below is by jon foreman. let God's peace and rest wash over you. this song and psalm embodies the rest Jesus affords us. enjoy. :)

shores of loneliness

that girl is me. i have always loved this picture. it shows my thirst for something more. dreams always pulsing on the horizon. new life ready to be discovered. adventure lives inside of me. there are pros and cons to this personality. in all honesty, i get restless real quick. and when i don't see any of my dreams for a long, long time, i get disappointed. i grow weary and tired of waiting. i desire to know the meaning of the word Faith. hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." isn't that thing about dreams? we can't always see evidence of them but we know they are going to happen one day in our lives. we must hold onto the promises of God for He is the only thing sure and true. i never want to think it is a waste to dream or to look at the horizon. God made me to be a dreamer, an adventurer, and that's just it. i must trust and hold onto His hand and He will walk with me step by step along the shore. today it feels like the shores of loneliness. but i know i'm not alone. He has my hand held and He is walking next to me, talking with me and saying, "you are not alone."

i have found a Love

my first post. Wow..it seems so daunting. now that i've finally created a blog wouldn't you know it, but my mind goes blank. and maybe that's okay. i will just start typing and see what wonderful things come of it.

unbelievably, i turn 27 this week and i'm learning even more to trust in my Father God's unfailing Love. in His unwavering guidance. i'm under His protection and care. i am learning to swim in the deep waters of His beautiful Grace. i need to breathe in His rest and learn the meaning of that word.

i want this blog to bring peace and rest, even if i'm the only one who ever reads it. that's okay too. but if anyone does ever read it, i want each post to bring a smile or a laugh and may it radiate joy. i hope that i could encourage or inspire someone to pursue their dreams with greater fervency than ever before.

welcome. i have yet to discover all of who i am for i am still diving deeper into the things of Christ. but i will not hold back. i don't want to sound put together or perfect. you know at times, I am so busy doing and running that I miss the little moments. those are the moments we should live for. a smile, a hug, a kind word, something funny, or a sunrise across the horizon. at times, i miss His still, small voice that says, "daughter, you don't have to do. just be with Me. i love you with an Everlasting Love. be still and wait with me today."

enjoy each moment that comes to you today. take it moment by moment.