Chatting at the Sky

perfectionist. striving. no rest. type-A. need to be in control. i have it all put together. okay, well i don't but i have to at least look like i have it all put together because people are watching me. i can never appear weak because that would mean i need their help which i very clearly don't because i'm so put together. sad. 

i have come to know myself quite well over these past 5 years. through much introspection, self-study and through relationships with others, i have noticed something. i like to be and look perfect. if i can cause as few ripples as possible in the pool of life( yes...cheesy I know), then all will be well because then I can go on living and no one will think less of me. you see, i care so incredibly much what others think. and this comes from a variety of reasons that i shan't go into right now because that could be an hour long rant and dissection of past experiences and frankly, it doesn't matter. what matters is that i have discovered the issue at hand which is the drive to be perfect. to make no mistakes. wow, really? what am i--a robot? a stepford wife? a 1950s perfect little housewife? no one is like this. and frankly, it's exhausting to try. i would know--i've played this familiar game since I suspect infancy. 

now, looking back on experiences in childhood, i have changed so much. for instance, when i was 9, i was on a go-kart track. next to me was a father taking his son out on the track for perhaps the first time. i knew i had to perform well and win this race. so i floored that gas pedal and ran up on the father/son duo who were obviously out for a nice sunday joy ride at the track. well, that was shot to hell because look out--the renegade blonde girl who was out for blood was going to pass them up. i will never forget the bewildered look on that dad's face as i cut him off and won first place in a race i had completely imagined in my mind. i had to win. i had to beat them because they couldn't be better than me, not even at go-kart. 

well, i have calmed down a lot since those days. now it's more of an internal battle really (thank the lord). but i wanted to share something with you that has helped a lot. it's a blog by Emily called chattingatthesky(a place for your soul to breathe). doesn't it already make you feel more relaxed?  for the first time, i found someone talking in such real terms. she talks bravely about her mistakes and her shortcomings but speaks of Grace and how we are accepted and loved and beautiful. that it's okay to be real-not fake and "plasticky." Emily wrote this brilliant book called Grace for the Good Girl: Letting go of the Try-Hard Life. 

she has helped me greatly move through fears of failing and falling short of other's(and my own) expectations. i have had so much freedom. i highly recommend checking out her blog and books. 

There is Light at the end of it

for some time now, i've been diving head first into what relationships are all about. mind you (dear reader), i am far from being in a relationship, which is kind of what this post is all about. for the past few years, i've been dissecting my own past and the wounds and scars which come about long after the thrill is gone. relationships are a beautiful thing and i was the first in line to fall fast and hard! but then my heart was left shattered in pieces, seemingly never to recover. sound familiar? i'm sure i'm not the only one.

i've been on a journey of finding respite in being alone. i've been in discovery of who i am and what i want. i want to make sure that next time, the relationship will be for the right reasons. now has this been easy? far from it. it's been lonely, dry, even hopeless at times but all is not lost. i've needed so desperately to be in this place. to love things and discover who i am, to make decisions for me and not for him. peace.

something that has helped so much is to read about others who have gone before me. women who have been there, done that and are able to come out the other side not entirely unscathed but living again! it's been amazing to see that there is light at the end of the long all too familiar tunnel of pain. sometimes, this pain has been inflicted on you without your consent. sometimes, this pain is something you have brought on yourself. but no matter the source, i have found that on the subject of relationships, no man or woman is immune to hurt at some point in their lives.

i am presenting a series here on love. as i mentioned, i've been on a very long and arduous journey of healing my wounded, aching heart. there have been people, books, teachings and movies along the way who have helped me greatly in my search for life again. i would like to give honor where honor is due, even if some of these authors have been dead for hundreds of years. but if i have found a certain amount of peace then perhaps you can too. and we must first admit to ourselves, there's not one in the whole lot of us who can escape being hurt in relationships. let's dive in, head first, shall we? no fear.