perfectionist. striving. no rest. type-A. need to be in control. i have it all put together. okay, well i don't but i have to at least look like i have it all put together because people are watching me. i can never appear weak because that would mean i need their help which i very clearly don't because i'm so put together. sad.
i have come to know myself quite well over these past 5 years. through much introspection, self-study and through relationships with others, i have noticed something. i like to be and look perfect. if i can cause as few ripples as possible in the pool of life( yes...cheesy I know), then all will be well because then I can go on living and no one will think less of me. you see, i care so incredibly much what others think. and this comes from a variety of reasons that i shan't go into right now because that could be an hour long rant and dissection of past experiences and frankly, it doesn't matter. what matters is that i have discovered the issue at hand which is the drive to be perfect. to make no mistakes. wow, really? what am i--a robot? a stepford wife? a 1950s perfect little housewife? no one is like this. and frankly, it's exhausting to try. i would know--i've played this familiar game since I suspect infancy.
now, looking back on experiences in childhood, i have changed so much. for instance, when i was 9, i was on a go-kart track. next to me was a father taking his son out on the track for perhaps the first time. i knew i had to perform well and win this race. so i floored that gas pedal and ran up on the father/son duo who were obviously out for a nice sunday joy ride at the track. well, that was shot to hell because look out--the renegade blonde girl who was out for blood was going to pass them up. i will never forget the bewildered look on that dad's face as i cut him off and won first place in a race i had completely imagined in my mind. i had to win. i had to beat them because they couldn't be better than me, not even at go-kart.
well, i have calmed down a lot since those days. now it's more of an internal battle really (thank the lord). but i wanted to share something with you that has helped a lot. it's a blog by Emily called chattingatthesky(a place for your soul to breathe). doesn't it already make you feel more relaxed? for the first time, i found someone talking in such real terms. she talks bravely about her mistakes and her shortcomings but speaks of Grace and how we are accepted and loved and beautiful. that it's okay to be real-not fake and "plasticky." Emily wrote this brilliant book called Grace for the Good Girl: Letting go of the Try-Hard Life.
she has helped me greatly move through fears of failing and falling short of other's(and my own) expectations. i have had so much freedom. i highly recommend checking out her blog and books.